Not So New To Me.
I don't know if you've ever had depression but I have. I cried all the time for absolutely no reason, well that's not true I cried because I felt empty and sinking. There was a dark cloud that completely surrounded me and soaked into every part of me. I knew I would never be happy again, I was never more certain about anything. Every thing I did, say, think was effected by this cloud. Everything. It all started I suppose with my acne, terrible acne.
It was a very, very horrible time for me with too many close calls. I never want to get to that point again, if I did I probably would just jump in front of a train. That sounds horrible and a bit dramatic but I don't think I would ever get through that again. The lift of that dark cloud was one of the best things that has ever happened to me and thinking back to how I was is what makes me certain I could never go through anything like that again.
Insomnia. The feeling of sleeping at night and not staring at a ceiling, drinking anything with caffeine in it to stay awake and falling asleep on buses and in classes anyway is brilliant and taken so for granted. Insomnia is horrible; the inability to keep myself awake; my head was nodding as I fell asleep and I ended up with a very sore neck, almost like a strange insomnia version of whiplash. People would laugh at me on the bus, not mockingly just as you would if you saw someone at half past seven in the morning falling asleep and unable to stop it, with no knowledge of what actually leads up to that point. Crying in my bed from ten at night because I was so tired and I knew I wouldn't sleep that night. Eleven, twelve, one, two, three, by this point I had played so many pointless games online and watched about 2 movies and eaten so much shit it's unbelievable. During this period of time I played CityVille and other games on facebook all night, the people I played with were all from America and Oz so I was up during their day, but I did end up with all of my friends passwords to facebook to send myself stuff I needed to move on in the game. It sounds so sad but when I had nothing to do from ten at night to three in the morning and I had done everything except homework because it wouldn't make sense at all if I did. Then about three in the morning my mind could not even focus on the pointless games anymore, my head and eyes hurt from looking at a computer screen for so long and having my glasses on for around 22 hours straight. I would lay down to attempt to sleep for the next three hours. Four - still up. Five - still up. Six - need to get up, falls asleep.
Well whats the problem eh? The problem is I eventually started getting into trouble for not turning up so the night eventually started going like this. Got into bed ten, eleven, twelve, one, two, three, four, five, six.. Got up, got ready to go, went to Tesco and purchased a big bottle of Lucozade and a small one. Only because two big ones will not fit in my bag or believe me I would have been having two. I would have got onto the bus and continue to nodded off all the way there, almost missed my stop, got into college and nodded off all the way through classes and then fell asleep all the way home. So I'd be soooooo tired you'd think I'd go to sleep after getting home at five pm and being up since five am the day before and you'd be half right. The longest I have lasted is forty-eight hours and I don't think I so much fell asleep as collapsed. The last thing I remember the first time this happened I was in the livingroom, all I can think is I must have walked through in a trance, sat down on the edge of my bed and just lay back. That is how I woke up about 18 hours later.
So anyway, when I was in that time I felt like when you see someone on tv and they're trying to show that they feel faint and the picture lags and there looks like there is about four or five of them. I felt like that all the time, in a sort of out of body experience all the time. And looking back? I couldn't go back to that. Ever.
Recently I've been feeling that way again. Crying all the time and feeling out of body. See, I did have a point for all of this. I don't have depression again and I don't have insomnia again, let me be clear about that. I cry all the time, I don't see a way out of this hole I have been thrown in, I can't sleep properly and I can't really eat. I want to be a child again, maybe then my reactions would be justified.
Why can't I get on with shit just as everyone else has? People have gone through much worse and done so much more.
I want someone to just scoop me up, sit me somewhere and fix everything. Because I know I can't.
It was a very, very horrible time for me with too many close calls. I never want to get to that point again, if I did I probably would just jump in front of a train. That sounds horrible and a bit dramatic but I don't think I would ever get through that again. The lift of that dark cloud was one of the best things that has ever happened to me and thinking back to how I was is what makes me certain I could never go through anything like that again.
Insomnia. The feeling of sleeping at night and not staring at a ceiling, drinking anything with caffeine in it to stay awake and falling asleep on buses and in classes anyway is brilliant and taken so for granted. Insomnia is horrible; the inability to keep myself awake; my head was nodding as I fell asleep and I ended up with a very sore neck, almost like a strange insomnia version of whiplash. People would laugh at me on the bus, not mockingly just as you would if you saw someone at half past seven in the morning falling asleep and unable to stop it, with no knowledge of what actually leads up to that point. Crying in my bed from ten at night because I was so tired and I knew I wouldn't sleep that night. Eleven, twelve, one, two, three, by this point I had played so many pointless games online and watched about 2 movies and eaten so much shit it's unbelievable. During this period of time I played CityVille and other games on facebook all night, the people I played with were all from America and Oz so I was up during their day, but I did end up with all of my friends passwords to facebook to send myself stuff I needed to move on in the game. It sounds so sad but when I had nothing to do from ten at night to three in the morning and I had done everything except homework because it wouldn't make sense at all if I did. Then about three in the morning my mind could not even focus on the pointless games anymore, my head and eyes hurt from looking at a computer screen for so long and having my glasses on for around 22 hours straight. I would lay down to attempt to sleep for the next three hours. Four - still up. Five - still up. Six - need to get up, falls asleep.
Well whats the problem eh? The problem is I eventually started getting into trouble for not turning up so the night eventually started going like this. Got into bed ten, eleven, twelve, one, two, three, four, five, six.. Got up, got ready to go, went to Tesco and purchased a big bottle of Lucozade and a small one. Only because two big ones will not fit in my bag or believe me I would have been having two. I would have got onto the bus and continue to nodded off all the way there, almost missed my stop, got into college and nodded off all the way through classes and then fell asleep all the way home. So I'd be soooooo tired you'd think I'd go to sleep after getting home at five pm and being up since five am the day before and you'd be half right. The longest I have lasted is forty-eight hours and I don't think I so much fell asleep as collapsed. The last thing I remember the first time this happened I was in the livingroom, all I can think is I must have walked through in a trance, sat down on the edge of my bed and just lay back. That is how I woke up about 18 hours later.
So anyway, when I was in that time I felt like when you see someone on tv and they're trying to show that they feel faint and the picture lags and there looks like there is about four or five of them. I felt like that all the time, in a sort of out of body experience all the time. And looking back? I couldn't go back to that. Ever.
Recently I've been feeling that way again. Crying all the time and feeling out of body. See, I did have a point for all of this. I don't have depression again and I don't have insomnia again, let me be clear about that. I cry all the time, I don't see a way out of this hole I have been thrown in, I can't sleep properly and I can't really eat. I want to be a child again, maybe then my reactions would be justified.
Why can't I get on with shit just as everyone else has? People have gone through much worse and done so much more.
I want someone to just scoop me up, sit me somewhere and fix everything. Because I know I can't.
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