Feather on the Clyde.

While I was in hospital the last time I told my mum that Passenger's "Feather on the Clyde" makes me think of being in the Golden Jubilee Hospital in Dalmuir. Me and my mum sat down and spoke about this because she took it to be a really sad thing and for me it just made me smile so I didn't understand. I explained to her what each part meant and it as a whole and she said I should write it down here. I haven't because I've just let it slip my mind but here we go.

I'm going to split the song up as I talk about it but click here to hear it on YouTube & click here to see it written as a whole.

The first time I really listened to it I was in the hospital for the first surgery, the keyhole one that didn't work and I was looking out at this. [This photo is actually from the time we were there last but it's the same view.]

Looking out that window at the Clyde is surreal because it feels like a division - like there's us in the hospital looking out at all the normal people doing every day things, waking up, going to work, yawning, driving, shopping, eating etc. But if you stood in those grounds of the hospital and looked up at the building you'd see faces staring out, a whole bunch of people in the same boat - in the hospital for whatever reason, whether it be because they've had heart and lung problems (the GJH is a heart and lung specialist hospital although it does deal with other ailments and surgeries) their whole lives, they're having tests done to figure out why they're suddenly unwell or because they're in need of help and care to make their lives a little easier. Each and every face staring out has a story, has a handful of people trying to arrange visitors and clean clothes and 'well, what happens next's. And every person is in this bubble of not really being a part of society at that moment, not in the way everyone else is. It's all 'well, we'll worry about that when you get home' or 'and how do they expect you to be able to phone up and change that when you're in here' and 'it's only a few quid, don't worry about it, I'll get it'. 

And then you look out at the world and it just keeps on going. The boats still sail by, the water still flows passed the towns where the people still get up and go to work and then go home in the evening when the sun still sets, the lights still glow orange and the clock keeps on ticking.

The other thing you need to know is that the hospital isn't secluded in the way that it's miles away from anywhere, it's just set back in the way that it feels like that. You walk along a main road and turn right down a wee street and it's at the bottom over a wee bridge. 

Also, the song talks about a feather on the Clyde and I always imagine the little white curved feather floating through the air and just landing on the water's surface. 

First verse

Well, there's a river that runs through Glasgow
And it makes her but it breaks her and takes her into the parks
And her current just like my blood flows
Down from the hills, round aching bones to my restless heart

I'm sitting eating breakfast in this room in Glasgow, in paper pants and a gown, watching the world I used to be part of (like what I said above about there being a division) wake up as I start another day of dealing with whatever my heart is now going to go through. My restless heart.

Second verse  

Well I would swim but the river is so wide
And I'm scared I won't make it to the other side
Well God knows I've failed but He knows that I've tried
I long for something that's safe and warm
But all that I have is all that is gone
I'm as helpless and as hopeless as a feather on the Clyde

It's 'restless' because before I walked in there I was one of the people on the other side and I can't wait to be back on that side of the Clyde again (I know I don't live on that side, it's a metaphor bare with me) with the people with normal lives and doing normal stuff. I'd be lying if I said that sometimes I didn't wonder if I will actually walk out the hospital and get to that other side, and I know there is always a chance, however small, that I won't.

Now, I'm an atheist so any mention of God or religion in anything for me boils down to belief and faith, not in God but in people or situations or myself. So for me, those lines about if you fail then at least you know you tried, to me, refers to the people who do their utmost to save me and to me too, for having the strength and faith to walk in there and say 'okay, what are we doing then?' with a smile and leave my fate up to these brilliant people who are in the space between. They are the ones who cross the river every day, who pierce the bubble and have to go back across knowing we are all sitting at those windows looking out. Those are the ones I believe in and who I put my faith in.

The longing for safe and warm is about that ever present wondering about what my life would be like if I didn't have this defect but the 'all that I have is all that is gone' is about the fact that I don't know what it's like to live any other way so why even let my mind wander in that direction.

When I heard the last line I thought about that white feather blowing in the wind over the hospital roof and floating towards the river, just catching the surface and being swept along with the current. Now, if it struggled to get away it'll get pulled under but if it just goes with the current the wind will eventually pick it up and take it over to the other side. For me that line is about how there is no point in panicking and stressing because it'll consume me and, considering it's a heart condition, it'll do me more bad than good so I should just go with the current.
And that 'all that I have is all that is gone' is also about the fact that all I have is that faith I have to put in these people, because my fate isn't up to me, it's them and luck.

Third verse.

Well on one side all the lights glow
And the folks know and the kids go where the music and the drinking starts
On the other side where no cars go
Up to the hills that stand alone like my restless heart

The first line is about how the day has passed while I was being tested and asked questions, having things explained to me, blood drawn, and now the sun has gone down, people are preparing for tomorrow and the street lamps have come on.

The people have finished their work, they're going out or going home for their dinners or drinks with their partners, families, kids.

Then there's this side of the Clyde which is, for the most part, quiet because everyone is sitting with their dinner trays, name bracelets, families all away home for the night, nurses changed shifts.

And you can see all of the lights, from the green flashing lights on the water's edge, to the street lights, to the white lights from houses up to where they whittle away, up to the hills where no one lives but the orange glow behind it tell you where the hills stop and society starts again, separated from the life on all sides of it. Just like us on this side.

Fourth verse. - Same as the second.

Fifth verse.
Well the sun sets late in Glasgow
And the daylight and the city part
And I think of you in Glasgow
Cause you're all that's safe and you're all that's warm... in my restless heart

It's funny because, once everything has settled in for the night and all that's left is periodic checks and meds from the nurses, you can sit and look out at the Clyde and Glasgow for what feels like five minutes and it's two hours. It can be eleven at night and look like four in the afternoon, it's almost as if that is the last place on Earth that the sun leaves. As if it's waiting up with you while you can't sleep, when you feel the divide most, reminding you that you were on that side before and you will be again.
Even when I'm not there I always think of that little street you walk down, over that bridge, into that room and looking out of that window at that river in Glasgow. And it reminds that it's okay to be on that side of the Clyde when I need to be because it doesn't mean I won't walk out of the hospital and rejoin the normal life again. I've done it before and I will do it every single time.
Because hospital and doctors made it so I got this far and they're what's going to get me through the next 23 years and beyond. The hospital is where action is being taken and problems tackled and solved. And it's where I feel safe and warm, however restless I get to be on the other side again.

There's not a better feeling than listening to this song and looking out at that water. That's why it makes me smile.