Hiatus.
The next few months will be pretty much uneventful on this blog. My operation is set for around April so until then I have to do pretty much what I have been dong all of my life; twiddle my thumbs. I was told when I was twelve that, going by the rate that I was growing, I would need the valve replaced when I was around fourteen. Well, as you can probably guess, I am not fourteen years old. I am actually twenty-two (three in May). My life has pretty much been on hold for this operation since then, which has caused some frustration throughout my life every time that I went to the hospital and they said "You're healthy, healthier than we expected you to be." I should have been happy about that but I was so angry. I have never had a job. Not one. I've done placements and things, in second year during daily activity week I did a Classroom Assistant placement at my old primary school, in fourth year I did my work placement at City Restaurant as a waitress and I did a Classroom Assistant placement at Tolcross Primary while at college for a PDA.
As healthy as they thought I was I was not able to do as much as everyone else, I know that those placements were quite physical jobs but those were when I was healthy and by the end of them both I was going to them and going to bed then going to them the next morning and nothing else. I may have not been able to work right now but as far as I was concerned that was just for the time being and I was not going to waste that time doing nothing because the thought of doing nothing for the rest of my life would kill me. So I thought I'd spend this time, waiting on the operation, finding out what it was in life that I wanted to do.
Classroom Assisstant - Too Physical.
Waitress - Too Physical.
Police Officer -
I had always wanted to be a detective, but I never really gave it much thought until I got to this point in my life. I thought, after some research to that affect, that if I could get a degree in Criminology and get a job somewhere else that was not as physical, establish myself as an expert I could be transferred into a higher position without having to go through the physical side of joining the police service. So I began at the bottom.
I did an "Introduction to Psychology" Open Learning course in between my PDA, which finished in January, and the Intermediate 2 Psychology (as well as other subjects) course that started in the August. So I did the Int 2 course and got an A. Then I started the Highers course and I got a B in Psychology and Sociology (as well as other units as part of the "Entry to HNC" course, that was new and later given it's on award title "NC in Social Science" that we don't get) and after all of that I finally got onto the HNC in Social Science course. After battling through acne, medication to combat that, depression, broken heart, insomnia and being taking into hospital with suspected heart attacks, half way through the HNC I find out that the initiative that I had researched and been working towards had been scraped. 3 years of studying down the pan. So I figured, those that can't - teach. I thought I would finish the course, go onto uni, get a degree, do a year of teacher training and work in a college. But in October last year I had been told that I would need the valve soon, so that made me think about applying for Uni, I decided that it would be silly to apply for the 2013-14 Uni start when I knew that would most probably be when the valve-replacement process would start and I'd have to quit (was I right, or what?) So I decided that once I had finished my HNC (I got a B by the way) I would take a break, get my replacement and then rejoin my plan. Then I watched Sister Act 2.
Now you're thinking, "What the hell did I just read?" I know. But, bare with me. One night, I don't remember exactly when., probably the end of Feb or beginning of March 2013, I sat down to have my dinner and decided to watch a film. What one, what one, I like psychological thrillers but I love the way they sing "Oh Happy Day" Just for a little break here, here is the song I mean Oh Happy Day. So I put that DVD on and had my dinner, now there is a part in it when a young girl wants to be a singer but her mother won't let her because she does not think it will go anywhere, Whoopi Goldberg's character, Deloris Van Cartier/Sister Mary Clarence, says to the girl to read this book and see if, at the end of it, she's still okay with living the rest of her life never having tried to become a singer.
The book is called "Letters to a Young Poet" and is ten letters written from poet Rainer Maria Rilke to Franz Xaver Kappas, a 19 year old cadet at the Theresian Military academy. Rilke had attended the same Military academy and as a result Kappas had decided to write to Rilke, who often had regular correspondence with fans, and ask him his opinion on the young man's poems and about his choice between a literary career and one in the academy. The book only shows Rilke replies to the young man at Kappas' request, as is his right, but what is great about Rilke's writing style is that he refers to which part of Kappas' letter he is answering so you are never left wonder what Rilke is talking about. They discuss not only writing but love, life, isolation, friends, passion, family, illness, wellness and happiness. On a whim, I decided to pause the film and order the book on Amazon, because if I did not do it just then I would have forgotten, then I un-paused the film and forgot all about it. Washed all my sins away...
Then about two or three days later I got a letter-parcel through the door from Amazon. Oh, I forgot about that. I opened it and it was thinner than I expected. About the same as when "The Raven" was delivered, I was expected a book but those must have been the student versions with a lot of notes that I would skip anyway. So, that night I settled down with my copy of "Letters to a Young Poet".
To this day I have never seen it anywhere else with the same cover but it is definitely the same book.
By the third letter, I closed the book, took a breath and started from the beginning. Not only was I so in love with the way that Rilke worded things and described them I was worried, as happened with "Crime and Punishment", that I was not fully understanding the man's meaning, so I started from the first letter again. By the time I was finished the book I was close to tears, I don't mind admitting that, and I'll tell you why. Rilke basically, not in these exact words, says that if you can't imagine never doing that one thing again, that thing that you think of when you get up in the morning and when you go to bed, that thing that just flows from your every fibre without push, then that is what you are and if the thing that you are doing does not make you feel like that then why are you doing it. And the whole time I wasn't thinking about teaching, I wasn't thinking about waitressing or being a classroom learning assistant. I wasn't even thinking about being a Police Officer. I was thinking about writing.
I had been a writer since I was a kid, even after I stopped drawing for fun I kept on writing in my spare time. I had notebooks full of ideas and excerpts of things that interested me, of research and notes, of little bits I had written and then put away in favour of exams and essays. I had never seriously thought about it being a career, not recently. I remember when I was a child I went to school with a kid who's father was an author and when my Mum explained it to me that his job was writing I remember thinking, I wish I could do that but how is that possible? And I always wanted to be him, to do what you loved every day and support your family that way. But that didn't happen in the real world, in the real world people had boring dead-end jobs that they hated or were on benefits... Right?
But Rilke said differently. He was being paid for his writing, other people got paid for it, the boy from school's father did it, J.K Rowling did it, Jacqueline Wilson did it. Lots of people did it. I wonder if I could do that. Could I actually do that? ... By the end of that book I had decided that Yes, Yes I could. And not only could I, it was what I wanted to do. It was like walking into a glass door that had the words "GLASS DOOR" printed on it. It was so obvious that it was almost invisible. From that minute I decided that I would finish my HNC in case I ever changed my mind but, as Rilke said, if you write then you're a writer. It doesn't, or shouldn't, matter whether you're being paid for it or if people like it, if you are happy with what you are doing then that is what you are. And from that day when someone said "What do you do?" I automatically answered, "I'm a writer." Because I am.
So, while my life seems to still be on a hiatus until I have my operation and recover, my writing continues, and that is what I will be doing for the time being. If this were one of my characters in one of my books I'd probably jump to April and continue the story but this is real life and it's boring. But I'm still writing. Writing my future.
I know, I know, that was really cliche but I needed a way to end it. Calm down Whoopi...
So while I'm on Hiatus right now, I can promise, it'll be one hell of a Season premier. Is that better?
As healthy as they thought I was I was not able to do as much as everyone else, I know that those placements were quite physical jobs but those were when I was healthy and by the end of them both I was going to them and going to bed then going to them the next morning and nothing else. I may have not been able to work right now but as far as I was concerned that was just for the time being and I was not going to waste that time doing nothing because the thought of doing nothing for the rest of my life would kill me. So I thought I'd spend this time, waiting on the operation, finding out what it was in life that I wanted to do.
Classroom Assisstant - Too Physical.
Waitress - Too Physical.
Police Officer -
I had always wanted to be a detective, but I never really gave it much thought until I got to this point in my life. I thought, after some research to that affect, that if I could get a degree in Criminology and get a job somewhere else that was not as physical, establish myself as an expert I could be transferred into a higher position without having to go through the physical side of joining the police service. So I began at the bottom.
I did an "Introduction to Psychology" Open Learning course in between my PDA, which finished in January, and the Intermediate 2 Psychology (as well as other subjects) course that started in the August. So I did the Int 2 course and got an A. Then I started the Highers course and I got a B in Psychology and Sociology (as well as other units as part of the "Entry to HNC" course, that was new and later given it's on award title "NC in Social Science" that we don't get) and after all of that I finally got onto the HNC in Social Science course. After battling through acne, medication to combat that, depression, broken heart, insomnia and being taking into hospital with suspected heart attacks, half way through the HNC I find out that the initiative that I had researched and been working towards had been scraped. 3 years of studying down the pan. So I figured, those that can't - teach. I thought I would finish the course, go onto uni, get a degree, do a year of teacher training and work in a college. But in October last year I had been told that I would need the valve soon, so that made me think about applying for Uni, I decided that it would be silly to apply for the 2013-14 Uni start when I knew that would most probably be when the valve-replacement process would start and I'd have to quit (was I right, or what?) So I decided that once I had finished my HNC (I got a B by the way) I would take a break, get my replacement and then rejoin my plan. Then I watched Sister Act 2.
Now you're thinking, "What the hell did I just read?" I know. But, bare with me. One night, I don't remember exactly when., probably the end of Feb or beginning of March 2013, I sat down to have my dinner and decided to watch a film. What one, what one, I like psychological thrillers but I love the way they sing "Oh Happy Day" Just for a little break here, here is the song I mean Oh Happy Day. So I put that DVD on and had my dinner, now there is a part in it when a young girl wants to be a singer but her mother won't let her because she does not think it will go anywhere, Whoopi Goldberg's character, Deloris Van Cartier/Sister Mary Clarence, says to the girl to read this book and see if, at the end of it, she's still okay with living the rest of her life never having tried to become a singer.
The book is called "Letters to a Young Poet" and is ten letters written from poet Rainer Maria Rilke to Franz Xaver Kappas, a 19 year old cadet at the Theresian Military academy. Rilke had attended the same Military academy and as a result Kappas had decided to write to Rilke, who often had regular correspondence with fans, and ask him his opinion on the young man's poems and about his choice between a literary career and one in the academy. The book only shows Rilke replies to the young man at Kappas' request, as is his right, but what is great about Rilke's writing style is that he refers to which part of Kappas' letter he is answering so you are never left wonder what Rilke is talking about. They discuss not only writing but love, life, isolation, friends, passion, family, illness, wellness and happiness. On a whim, I decided to pause the film and order the book on Amazon, because if I did not do it just then I would have forgotten, then I un-paused the film and forgot all about it. Washed all my sins away...
Then about two or three days later I got a letter-parcel through the door from Amazon. Oh, I forgot about that. I opened it and it was thinner than I expected. About the same as when "The Raven" was delivered, I was expected a book but those must have been the student versions with a lot of notes that I would skip anyway. So, that night I settled down with my copy of "Letters to a Young Poet".
To this day I have never seen it anywhere else with the same cover but it is definitely the same book.
By the third letter, I closed the book, took a breath and started from the beginning. Not only was I so in love with the way that Rilke worded things and described them I was worried, as happened with "Crime and Punishment", that I was not fully understanding the man's meaning, so I started from the first letter again. By the time I was finished the book I was close to tears, I don't mind admitting that, and I'll tell you why. Rilke basically, not in these exact words, says that if you can't imagine never doing that one thing again, that thing that you think of when you get up in the morning and when you go to bed, that thing that just flows from your every fibre without push, then that is what you are and if the thing that you are doing does not make you feel like that then why are you doing it. And the whole time I wasn't thinking about teaching, I wasn't thinking about waitressing or being a classroom learning assistant. I wasn't even thinking about being a Police Officer. I was thinking about writing.
I had been a writer since I was a kid, even after I stopped drawing for fun I kept on writing in my spare time. I had notebooks full of ideas and excerpts of things that interested me, of research and notes, of little bits I had written and then put away in favour of exams and essays. I had never seriously thought about it being a career, not recently. I remember when I was a child I went to school with a kid who's father was an author and when my Mum explained it to me that his job was writing I remember thinking, I wish I could do that but how is that possible? And I always wanted to be him, to do what you loved every day and support your family that way. But that didn't happen in the real world, in the real world people had boring dead-end jobs that they hated or were on benefits... Right?
But Rilke said differently. He was being paid for his writing, other people got paid for it, the boy from school's father did it, J.K Rowling did it, Jacqueline Wilson did it. Lots of people did it. I wonder if I could do that. Could I actually do that? ... By the end of that book I had decided that Yes, Yes I could. And not only could I, it was what I wanted to do. It was like walking into a glass door that had the words "GLASS DOOR" printed on it. It was so obvious that it was almost invisible. From that minute I decided that I would finish my HNC in case I ever changed my mind but, as Rilke said, if you write then you're a writer. It doesn't, or shouldn't, matter whether you're being paid for it or if people like it, if you are happy with what you are doing then that is what you are. And from that day when someone said "What do you do?" I automatically answered, "I'm a writer." Because I am.
So, while my life seems to still be on a hiatus until I have my operation and recover, my writing continues, and that is what I will be doing for the time being. If this were one of my characters in one of my books I'd probably jump to April and continue the story but this is real life and it's boring. But I'm still writing. Writing my future.
So while I'm on Hiatus right now, I can promise, it'll be one hell of a Season premier. Is that better?
Taylor after reading this there is no doubt in my mind you will do it not can' WILL' after all you have gone through in your life and still you have more courage to do the things you do is totally amazing, bless you baby all the very best in April and in your beautiful future xx
ReplyDelete