It's All Happening Now...
Well, yet again I have not written in a while because there has not been anything to write - same old story I suppose. On August the 12th I went back through to Dalmuir to The Golden Jubille Hospital for an angiogram. I had to go up on the 12th and stay the night in the hotel to make the early morning appointment in the Cardiac Day Unit. I went in about 8:45 am and we all were ushered into different rooms. The rooms had glass walls on the outside with a sliding glass door, it reminded me of House MD, and inside where two armchairs, the kind you see in nursing homes, separated by a curtain. When I went in I was given a gown and paper underwear and told to change into them, on the other side of the drawn curtain I could hear chatting which I quickly gathered was from a patient, around my age, and a nurse attempting to do something in her arm with a needle, whether it was drawing blood or placing a line to use later I had no idea. Strangely though the curtain the separated the chair and covered the glass wall did not curl round at the end as in wards and I thought to myself "Knowing my luck, that nurse, who was a male, will walk on me with my arse out." So I stood behind the armchair changing which was lucky considering he did walk in on me to put things in the yellow bucket, he said sorry of course and went back behind the curtain (but only after going to the bucket anyway haha) so that was a great start. Anyway, everything got going, the nurse managed to get blood from me first time (which is not easy at all) through a vein in my wrist (I pointed it out as the one all health professionals end up getting it from). Now, I do not remember everything that happened next because I'm rubbish at all of that so bear with me.
The girl next to me was Laura (her last name escapes me now). I could tell she wasn't used to it all because she had make up and nail polish on and earrings still in her ears. I assumed, which I should not have done, that she had to be one of those. The kind of girl who gets up dead early to do make-up and hair etc even though she is only going in to hospital and would probably watch TOWIE and Twilight. I was wrong (gladly) and it served me bloody right. She was 27, never had any problems before being told that her hearts functions were backwards; that meant that the left side of her heart did what the right side should have and vice versa (this is very rare) she also had a hole in her heart and a murmur. She was lovely and she had heard the nurses speaking to me about college so I asked her what she did for a living, I was not expecting what she said in reply. "I'm a trainee biochemist."
"I'm sorry... A what?" She just laughed because we had been chatting with the nurse who had taken blood from us both and he had told us an amusing story about a new biochemist they had working there. The more experienced biochemist was showing the lad around and they decided to play a joke on him, the nurse said to the older man "Oh I dropped that sample, the levels are a little off but I'm sure it is all fine, we don't need to do the tests again, not really worth it." to which the older man concurred while the new lad stood with his mouth open disbelieving. It was really funny to the nurse and Laura, I chuckled but I didn't really see it. Now I understood why. I should know better than to judge a book by it's early morning make up just because I can't be bothered in the morning or any other time of the day.
Later on Laura got up and took a make up wipe to her face, "I don't know how you can be bothered putting it on so early in the morning." I said to her.
She just laughed, "God I know, but I've been up since about four, so I had nothing else to do." Now I felt even worse, not only was she completely the opposite from what I had assumed, she was mega intelligent, not an idiot, didn't watch all of that shite, funny and wanted to talk to me... She was terrified.
I leaned forward and pulled the curtain out of the way, we had each been doing that all day as the nurses came in to do something, pulled it over and never pulled it back. "Could you not sleep?"
"Nope."
"Howcome... You worried?"
"Yeah." She laughed, I will always remember this conversation because I felt so guilty and because I had never seen anyone my age in hospital genuinely scared, mostly because most of the people I saw were older women or when they were young girls they had been in and out of the wards since before they could walk.
Anyway I won't bore you with the details of the whole day but basically the girl had never had anything wrong with her and had got to an amazing 27 never knowing or feeling the effects of any of this and now she was sitting in a hospital in the town she lived with everything suddenly happening, I have never been so glad for everything that happened to me being discovered so early. There I sat completely unbothered wondering what I could have for my tea, if I could change the channel because I was missing something a bit more murdery on the other side and how this was all messing with my writing. While she was actually shaking.
I said the usual, "You'll be fine" and "I've had loads" comments but then followed it up with the even more annoying "Well, I know that's not going to help you but still." Completely lost at what to say. So I shuffled up and leaned over, "Laura, try to look at it this way- you've gone all of this time never knowing so your heart is really strong, the way I think of it as is; if it did not need doing they would not be doing it so there is no point in worrying, it needs done and worrying about it is not going to help you, in fact it would probably hinder you." I had nothing else to say, I had no fear about it all, I was more worried about being served in Asda than I was with sitting there, I would rather having a valve transplant than talk to someone on the phone.
"I know... I know, it's just all new, you know."
"In a few years you'll be brushing it off and telling someone else everything I'm saying now." I can assure you it sounds more patronising here than I actually said it, in fact I think the thought doing all of this again made it worse but I hoped the thought of being practised and thinking nothing of it helped. "Well, think of it like this, it is not as bad as it could have been, you walked in here so you will walk out."
She replied a "I know."
Then I laughed "That would have been so awkward if you had not walked in here!"
She burst out laughing "Haha I know, like 'Em actually I was brought in in an ambulance..." We did not say anything more about it until she was wheeled off and I said "Good luck" quickly.
I just wanted to write about that because the way I behaved assuming as I did and getting egg on my face, deservedly. And because in that moment I realised that being born the way I was, with all the problems, was probably the best way it could have happened (although I'm sure it did not appear that way to my Mum) because I go into those appointments and procedures without anxiety or worry.
About eleven or something I was taken through and hopped up onto the bed. Lying there they had decided they were going to go in through the artery in my right leg rather than attempt my right arm, which was definitely the best decision. A Nurse put ECG monitors on me and Dr Owens (WHO WAS IRISH BTW.... IRISH!!... Anyway...) scrubbed in. The nurse turned to me and said "So Taylor, when you are drinking, what is your poison?"
I replied "Jack Daniels" and she laughed.
"Do you know you are the second person to answer with that today, do you know who the other person was?" I guessed, "That girl you are sharing a room with. Funny that. Anyway, I am going to give you a sedative and it'll feel like you've had a few Jack Daniels, okay?"
"That is definitely fine by me." So I feel the sedative flush in....
Throughout the procedure I was awake the whole time despite being given the sedative twice. I just looked around wondering what all the equipment did, I caught a look at the screen a few times and although it was a picture of my heart with all its channels and caverns I just saw a mess of ... earphones. That is what it looked like to me, I knew what it was but it just looked like a black a white photo of lots of tangled earphones being x-rayed. So I went back to wondering what the machine in the corner did and what the guys at the far end were doing on the computers as Dr Owens called to them every now and again "Can you see that?" and "If you could just get a picture of that there... Great." They injected dye a couple of times and I watched it pulse around the screen, I remember thinking how crazy it was that while I felt palpitations (they said that might happen) I had no other indication of what was going on in there, now or ever. I got the flush of warmth as the dye went round my body, they weren't kidding when they said you will feel like you have urinated but you haven't. You honestly haven't haha.
Above me there was a glass, transparent screen, not directly above me but it was attached to something in the air and it stood at head-level to Dr Owens. It was the shape and size of a car window but was attached to an arm thing from above and was moved there on purpose, although I really couldn't see what it could be for since it did not hover directly over me but rather over the floor next to the bed as if separating the Dr and the Nurse to his left. It had a see through plastic bag pulled over it which was clearly the bags purpose, perhaps so they could take it off and bin it leaving the glass clean (which they did later). The next bit I found hilarious and brilliant but everyone I have told has said "Oh my god, Taylor! how does that not creepy you out!" And I decided, rightly, not to tell Laura about it. The Dr looked at me briefly clearly wondering why I wasn't saying anything other than answering when I was asked questions, to be honest I was really comfortable, I could have fell asleep there, much like when I am getting my hair washed in the hairdressers. So he put his hand on the side of the glass, not moving it and leaning his head to the side of it slightly to look at me properly, "Are you all right, Taylor? You're quiet." I turned my head away from the stuff on the floor to answer "I'm fine yeah." He pulled his head back around and continued what he was doing but I had to double take. Where he had put his hands on the plastic covered bag and then taken them away.... Was blood in the shape on his fingers. I could not help but laugh, I thought it was brilliant. Haha, I was not joking when I said I was completely not bothered.
The doctor said he had all the images he needed and after being cleaned of blood I was taken back in the bed to my room. Laura was sitting in her chair because hers had been done through the vein in her right arm. She was also quickly able to leave because of that. I was lying in my bed for about half an hour before the nurse sat me up a little and offered me a sandwich, which I ate even though it was not that nice. The doctor had came and spoken to Laura before she left but Elaine came and spoke to me briefly asking me if I was okay. Elaine is a SACCS nurse, not that I know what SACCS means, I don't know what that entails but from what I can gather it's translating all of the hospital speak into civilian terms for me haha.
On this note I had better explain something. I had had another appointment for this angiogram that I had to cancel, that one had an attached appointment for a CT scan for the day after the angiogram. So when the next angiogram appointment came I just assumed I would get another CT appointment letter along with it if they wanted one. This did not happen. So it appears there may have been a little mix up, annoying but these things happen.
Anyway, I had been given something called an angioseal, which I had not been told about beforehand. An angioseal, as I understand it (Tom Riddle flashback), is the use of a blob of collagen to seal the artery, I had never had this before or even heard of it, even though the nurse insisted they had "been doing it for years" as if that meant anything to me. She said it would "fall off in about ten days"... After research on the internet I assume what she meant was that it would be reabsorbed into the body in about ten days considering it was under my skin and not stuck on top. It was sealed over by a transparent plaster, the kind they used to use to hold my numbing cream on my hand in the Sick Kids, it's called a "Bioclusive transparent plaster" (according to the packaging I'm currently looking at)... Taking this off was going to hurt. Anyway, what I had usually had was a bandage around my groin/thigh to hold the artery shut and I had to lie straight for hours, usually over night and into the afternoon, it was hard like a cast and the next day I would be put in the bath to wash it off and I could go home, no stitches. This was not the case at Dalmuir. The angioseal meant that by quarter to 4 I was told I could leave. There was one problem, well two considering the pain I was in (I think she sat me up too quickly) and that I had not been debriefed by Dr Owens yet. Yes, I had not had anything done except pictures taken and an angioseal that I had no idea about beforehand but he should still have came and let me know the jist. So I got the nurses attention "Will I not be seeing the Dr before I go?"
She looked at me strangely as if I had just asked her if I could stay in her house for the weekend. "You have seen the doctor?"
I was surprised, "No I haven't?"
"Yes you have, don't you remember?"
Now I know I have a very bad memory but I would remember an attractive Irish doctor talking to me, granted I probably would have no idea what he had said but I'd remember the conversation happening.
"No, he came and spoke to Laura ages ago but he has not came to see me?"
She looked at me annoyed and obviously determined she was right. "I'll go find him." So sorry for actually wanting to know what the Dr had done, found, thought. How silly of me.
Anyway, after a while Elaine said the Dr was in the lab and would be about half an hour so I would have to wait.
Great.
So I waited, about quarter past the male nurse asked me if I was waiting on my Mum, when I said I was waiting on the Dr he went away and came back, "He is actually working, he is not skiving but he'll be around soon."
Eventually the Dr came in smiling, "Sorry about that, you wanted to see me?" I was shocked, he had no desire to debrief me on the situation at all, I thought that it was standard procedure, even for the small things.
"No... It's just you haven't came around to tell me what the story is or?"
"Oh, I see. Sorry..." He then proceeded to tell me, briefly (sigh), what he'd done, and his recommendation. This was what he said in debrief (not word for word) but the same length. "Basically we got all the angles that we needed was great and we will need you to comeback for a CT I'm afraid, but based on what I've seen I think we can go ahead and try a stent." That was it. He just looked at me.
"A stent? So is that instead of the operation?"
"Yep, yep." That was it again. No elaboration, no "Well I'm giving no guarantees" or "After the CT I will need to review it all and deliberate with Dr Bloomfield." Nothing. Just yep,yep.
"Oh okay," I did not know what to say, I could not think of any questions to ask him, usually my mum comes up with all the things I should think of but never do and more often than not the doctors answer what I had thought of. "So I can just go?" Is all I could muster.
"Yep, yep." There it was again. If he was not Irish I'd probably be very annoyed, "And we'll see you for the CT, all right?" And he was gone.
I was happy with the possibility of the stent instead, annoyed at the possibility of just the stent and having to wait even longer for the transplant, happy that I could go home, annoyed that I could not walk properly, happy that they hadn't chanced upon something nasty and unexpected but annoyed that I had to ask to see him, he'd said yep, yep and that I had a blob of collagen in my leg.
So here I am, CT scan next week and STILL have a blob in my leg... Ten days, my arse. Still though, could be worse... I could be graduating in a few weeks. Oh wait...
Just realised I never said anything about my writing, I don't know if anyone is interested in all of that but I have finished it - the main story anyway. Now I have to type it all up, I am doing it in A5 sheets so I can format it all but I have already ready edited so much of the "finished" manuscript. I'm already finding my mind drifting to ideas for the book I began before I got caught up in this one. I have a feeling it will be a while before this one will be typed up. Loving it though. I do realise I will have to get to a point where I am happy with it and leave it like that. Of course, I do not know if I can do that. When I was in primary seven we did a magazine and I was to do the wordsearch that went at the back, I forgot to put in one word and I never heard the end of it. So now I'm thinking "Someone will find something... I will never live it down. I can't publish it, I just can't." Maybe I will get over that one day, hopefully, considering it is to be my career. "Oh I'm a writer." "What books have you published?" "Em none, but I've written loads!" It just won't work like that. God knows. But right now I am having fun writing it all, all the research and thinking up all of these ideas that are mine. :)
The girl next to me was Laura (her last name escapes me now). I could tell she wasn't used to it all because she had make up and nail polish on and earrings still in her ears. I assumed, which I should not have done, that she had to be one of those. The kind of girl who gets up dead early to do make-up and hair etc even though she is only going in to hospital and would probably watch TOWIE and Twilight. I was wrong (gladly) and it served me bloody right. She was 27, never had any problems before being told that her hearts functions were backwards; that meant that the left side of her heart did what the right side should have and vice versa (this is very rare) she also had a hole in her heart and a murmur. She was lovely and she had heard the nurses speaking to me about college so I asked her what she did for a living, I was not expecting what she said in reply. "I'm a trainee biochemist."
"I'm sorry... A what?" She just laughed because we had been chatting with the nurse who had taken blood from us both and he had told us an amusing story about a new biochemist they had working there. The more experienced biochemist was showing the lad around and they decided to play a joke on him, the nurse said to the older man "Oh I dropped that sample, the levels are a little off but I'm sure it is all fine, we don't need to do the tests again, not really worth it." to which the older man concurred while the new lad stood with his mouth open disbelieving. It was really funny to the nurse and Laura, I chuckled but I didn't really see it. Now I understood why. I should know better than to judge a book by it's early morning make up just because I can't be bothered in the morning or any other time of the day.
Later on Laura got up and took a make up wipe to her face, "I don't know how you can be bothered putting it on so early in the morning." I said to her.
She just laughed, "God I know, but I've been up since about four, so I had nothing else to do." Now I felt even worse, not only was she completely the opposite from what I had assumed, she was mega intelligent, not an idiot, didn't watch all of that shite, funny and wanted to talk to me... She was terrified.
I leaned forward and pulled the curtain out of the way, we had each been doing that all day as the nurses came in to do something, pulled it over and never pulled it back. "Could you not sleep?"
"Nope."
"Howcome... You worried?"
"Yeah." She laughed, I will always remember this conversation because I felt so guilty and because I had never seen anyone my age in hospital genuinely scared, mostly because most of the people I saw were older women or when they were young girls they had been in and out of the wards since before they could walk.
Anyway I won't bore you with the details of the whole day but basically the girl had never had anything wrong with her and had got to an amazing 27 never knowing or feeling the effects of any of this and now she was sitting in a hospital in the town she lived with everything suddenly happening, I have never been so glad for everything that happened to me being discovered so early. There I sat completely unbothered wondering what I could have for my tea, if I could change the channel because I was missing something a bit more murdery on the other side and how this was all messing with my writing. While she was actually shaking.
I said the usual, "You'll be fine" and "I've had loads" comments but then followed it up with the even more annoying "Well, I know that's not going to help you but still." Completely lost at what to say. So I shuffled up and leaned over, "Laura, try to look at it this way- you've gone all of this time never knowing so your heart is really strong, the way I think of it as is; if it did not need doing they would not be doing it so there is no point in worrying, it needs done and worrying about it is not going to help you, in fact it would probably hinder you." I had nothing else to say, I had no fear about it all, I was more worried about being served in Asda than I was with sitting there, I would rather having a valve transplant than talk to someone on the phone.
"I know... I know, it's just all new, you know."
"In a few years you'll be brushing it off and telling someone else everything I'm saying now." I can assure you it sounds more patronising here than I actually said it, in fact I think the thought doing all of this again made it worse but I hoped the thought of being practised and thinking nothing of it helped. "Well, think of it like this, it is not as bad as it could have been, you walked in here so you will walk out."
She replied a "I know."
Then I laughed "That would have been so awkward if you had not walked in here!"
She burst out laughing "Haha I know, like 'Em actually I was brought in in an ambulance..." We did not say anything more about it until she was wheeled off and I said "Good luck" quickly.
I just wanted to write about that because the way I behaved assuming as I did and getting egg on my face, deservedly. And because in that moment I realised that being born the way I was, with all the problems, was probably the best way it could have happened (although I'm sure it did not appear that way to my Mum) because I go into those appointments and procedures without anxiety or worry.
About eleven or something I was taken through and hopped up onto the bed. Lying there they had decided they were going to go in through the artery in my right leg rather than attempt my right arm, which was definitely the best decision. A Nurse put ECG monitors on me and Dr Owens (WHO WAS IRISH BTW.... IRISH!!... Anyway...) scrubbed in. The nurse turned to me and said "So Taylor, when you are drinking, what is your poison?"
I replied "Jack Daniels" and she laughed.
"Do you know you are the second person to answer with that today, do you know who the other person was?" I guessed, "That girl you are sharing a room with. Funny that. Anyway, I am going to give you a sedative and it'll feel like you've had a few Jack Daniels, okay?"
"That is definitely fine by me." So I feel the sedative flush in....
Throughout the procedure I was awake the whole time despite being given the sedative twice. I just looked around wondering what all the equipment did, I caught a look at the screen a few times and although it was a picture of my heart with all its channels and caverns I just saw a mess of ... earphones. That is what it looked like to me, I knew what it was but it just looked like a black a white photo of lots of tangled earphones being x-rayed. So I went back to wondering what the machine in the corner did and what the guys at the far end were doing on the computers as Dr Owens called to them every now and again "Can you see that?" and "If you could just get a picture of that there... Great." They injected dye a couple of times and I watched it pulse around the screen, I remember thinking how crazy it was that while I felt palpitations (they said that might happen) I had no other indication of what was going on in there, now or ever. I got the flush of warmth as the dye went round my body, they weren't kidding when they said you will feel like you have urinated but you haven't. You honestly haven't haha.
Above me there was a glass, transparent screen, not directly above me but it was attached to something in the air and it stood at head-level to Dr Owens. It was the shape and size of a car window but was attached to an arm thing from above and was moved there on purpose, although I really couldn't see what it could be for since it did not hover directly over me but rather over the floor next to the bed as if separating the Dr and the Nurse to his left. It had a see through plastic bag pulled over it which was clearly the bags purpose, perhaps so they could take it off and bin it leaving the glass clean (which they did later). The next bit I found hilarious and brilliant but everyone I have told has said "Oh my god, Taylor! how does that not creepy you out!" And I decided, rightly, not to tell Laura about it. The Dr looked at me briefly clearly wondering why I wasn't saying anything other than answering when I was asked questions, to be honest I was really comfortable, I could have fell asleep there, much like when I am getting my hair washed in the hairdressers. So he put his hand on the side of the glass, not moving it and leaning his head to the side of it slightly to look at me properly, "Are you all right, Taylor? You're quiet." I turned my head away from the stuff on the floor to answer "I'm fine yeah." He pulled his head back around and continued what he was doing but I had to double take. Where he had put his hands on the plastic covered bag and then taken them away.... Was blood in the shape on his fingers. I could not help but laugh, I thought it was brilliant. Haha, I was not joking when I said I was completely not bothered.
The doctor said he had all the images he needed and after being cleaned of blood I was taken back in the bed to my room. Laura was sitting in her chair because hers had been done through the vein in her right arm. She was also quickly able to leave because of that. I was lying in my bed for about half an hour before the nurse sat me up a little and offered me a sandwich, which I ate even though it was not that nice. The doctor had came and spoken to Laura before she left but Elaine came and spoke to me briefly asking me if I was okay. Elaine is a SACCS nurse, not that I know what SACCS means, I don't know what that entails but from what I can gather it's translating all of the hospital speak into civilian terms for me haha.
On this note I had better explain something. I had had another appointment for this angiogram that I had to cancel, that one had an attached appointment for a CT scan for the day after the angiogram. So when the next angiogram appointment came I just assumed I would get another CT appointment letter along with it if they wanted one. This did not happen. So it appears there may have been a little mix up, annoying but these things happen.
Anyway, I had been given something called an angioseal, which I had not been told about beforehand. An angioseal, as I understand it (Tom Riddle flashback), is the use of a blob of collagen to seal the artery, I had never had this before or even heard of it, even though the nurse insisted they had "been doing it for years" as if that meant anything to me. She said it would "fall off in about ten days"... After research on the internet I assume what she meant was that it would be reabsorbed into the body in about ten days considering it was under my skin and not stuck on top. It was sealed over by a transparent plaster, the kind they used to use to hold my numbing cream on my hand in the Sick Kids, it's called a "Bioclusive transparent plaster" (according to the packaging I'm currently looking at)... Taking this off was going to hurt. Anyway, what I had usually had was a bandage around my groin/thigh to hold the artery shut and I had to lie straight for hours, usually over night and into the afternoon, it was hard like a cast and the next day I would be put in the bath to wash it off and I could go home, no stitches. This was not the case at Dalmuir. The angioseal meant that by quarter to 4 I was told I could leave. There was one problem, well two considering the pain I was in (I think she sat me up too quickly) and that I had not been debriefed by Dr Owens yet. Yes, I had not had anything done except pictures taken and an angioseal that I had no idea about beforehand but he should still have came and let me know the jist. So I got the nurses attention "Will I not be seeing the Dr before I go?"
She looked at me strangely as if I had just asked her if I could stay in her house for the weekend. "You have seen the doctor?"
I was surprised, "No I haven't?"
"Yes you have, don't you remember?"
Now I know I have a very bad memory but I would remember an attractive Irish doctor talking to me, granted I probably would have no idea what he had said but I'd remember the conversation happening.
"No, he came and spoke to Laura ages ago but he has not came to see me?"
She looked at me annoyed and obviously determined she was right. "I'll go find him." So sorry for actually wanting to know what the Dr had done, found, thought. How silly of me.
Anyway, after a while Elaine said the Dr was in the lab and would be about half an hour so I would have to wait.
Great.
So I waited, about quarter past the male nurse asked me if I was waiting on my Mum, when I said I was waiting on the Dr he went away and came back, "He is actually working, he is not skiving but he'll be around soon."
Eventually the Dr came in smiling, "Sorry about that, you wanted to see me?" I was shocked, he had no desire to debrief me on the situation at all, I thought that it was standard procedure, even for the small things.
"No... It's just you haven't came around to tell me what the story is or?"
"Oh, I see. Sorry..." He then proceeded to tell me, briefly (sigh), what he'd done, and his recommendation. This was what he said in debrief (not word for word) but the same length. "Basically we got all the angles that we needed was great and we will need you to comeback for a CT I'm afraid, but based on what I've seen I think we can go ahead and try a stent." That was it. He just looked at me.
"A stent? So is that instead of the operation?"
"Yep, yep." That was it again. No elaboration, no "Well I'm giving no guarantees" or "After the CT I will need to review it all and deliberate with Dr Bloomfield." Nothing. Just yep,yep.
"Oh okay," I did not know what to say, I could not think of any questions to ask him, usually my mum comes up with all the things I should think of but never do and more often than not the doctors answer what I had thought of. "So I can just go?" Is all I could muster.
"Yep, yep." There it was again. If he was not Irish I'd probably be very annoyed, "And we'll see you for the CT, all right?" And he was gone.
I was happy with the possibility of the stent instead, annoyed at the possibility of just the stent and having to wait even longer for the transplant, happy that I could go home, annoyed that I could not walk properly, happy that they hadn't chanced upon something nasty and unexpected but annoyed that I had to ask to see him, he'd said yep, yep and that I had a blob of collagen in my leg.
So here I am, CT scan next week and STILL have a blob in my leg... Ten days, my arse. Still though, could be worse... I could be graduating in a few weeks. Oh wait...
Just realised I never said anything about my writing, I don't know if anyone is interested in all of that but I have finished it - the main story anyway. Now I have to type it all up, I am doing it in A5 sheets so I can format it all but I have already ready edited so much of the "finished" manuscript. I'm already finding my mind drifting to ideas for the book I began before I got caught up in this one. I have a feeling it will be a while before this one will be typed up. Loving it though. I do realise I will have to get to a point where I am happy with it and leave it like that. Of course, I do not know if I can do that. When I was in primary seven we did a magazine and I was to do the wordsearch that went at the back, I forgot to put in one word and I never heard the end of it. So now I'm thinking "Someone will find something... I will never live it down. I can't publish it, I just can't." Maybe I will get over that one day, hopefully, considering it is to be my career. "Oh I'm a writer." "What books have you published?" "Em none, but I've written loads!" It just won't work like that. God knows. But right now I am having fun writing it all, all the research and thinking up all of these ideas that are mine. :)
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